This is not me in this picture. But it was so ridiculous I couldn't pass it up.

I’m so over this colon. Its like a pair of jeans that I’ve had forever that I refuse to get rid of. They were great and useful, but now they have a ton of holes in them. But for some reason, I’m hesitant to throw them out. Granted throwing out my favorite denim is a tad different than removing my colon, but you know, same principal. With all the problems and discomfort that I get from this dang thing, you’d think that I’d be more than jumping at the bit to get rid of it. But I’m not. I’m not at all. I’m more than pumped about the possibility of getting rid of it and feeling healthy and maybe getting part of my life back, but the road to get there just seems so daunting. It feels endless. Not only does it feel endless but the road has a damn colostomy bag involved with it. The road is gross. The road is filled with potential problems and questions and uncertainty.

Can you tell I like metaphors?

I have been pondering this surgery for a few weeks now and in that time I have talked to a few nurses and asked a few people at various stages in their surgeries a barrage of questions. I’m pretty sure my last Q an A session ended with “Did you wake up with a butt tube?”  So I’m not afraid to ask questions, but am I a little afraid of some of the answers? Affirmative.

Every time my stomach grumbles, I think about chopping old the ‘ol colon. Every time I sit on the toilet. Every time I second guess eating something. Every time I worry about the location of a bathroom. Every time I am humiliated in one way or another by this disease….I know I need this surgery.

Much like many people out there who are in my diseased bowel shoes, the surgery sounds like a god send. It sounds like an answer to all of our problems, aside from one thing. The one thing that makes me and I’m sure others second guess the WHOLE thing. The one thing that makes me consider living like this for the rest of my life because I can’t even fathom it. You know what I’m talking about. I swear I could just not even say it and we’d all be on the same damn page. But for those of you who are reading this with your head cocked to the side in confusion….its the colostomy bag. Yea, that thing. That super gross thing that makes us all feel disgusting and subhuman. It terrifies me. Its ugly, its stuck to you, and its def a damper for intimacy. I mean seriously, I know people get around it, but how? How do you even think about sex with that thing attached to you.

Yea I said it.

I think I’d probably swear off sex for the entirety of stage one of my surgeries. I cannot imagine living like that permanently.

Yea, I said that too.

I’m not one for sugar coating. I still don’t know what I’ll do just yet. You know, through all of this, since the very beginning of diagnosis I have told myself it can’t get any worse. And without fail, every single time, it has gotten worse. I have had the most ridiculous UC journey, that if it wasn’t me, I might point and laugh. (Eh maybe not, but I would probably talk about me behind my back). It almost seems fitting that I go out with a bang. That this redonkulous ride called UC would end with the removal of a large organ and the attachment of a colostomy bag. Everyday, slowly but surely, I’m getting over this…but I’m not gonna like it.

P.S.  I’ve found the overwhelming urge to write about this crap probably more than usual. So I’m gonna do Jpouch double time and update every so often here and more frequently over here:  http://BloodPoopTears.wordpress.com/

These posts might also help out:

• July 20, 2011 -- 2 Years Post TakeDown (6)
• March 27, 2010 -- Colston Thomas Mills (4)
• February 25, 2010 -- Commenter with Questions (13)
• December 20, 2009 -- New website for gay people who are affected! (5)

Brevin - by the glow of computer light

I just had a colonoscopy (explained by Mayo Clinic). While in the waiting room I thought of my UC in general and came up with this list. If you have Ulcerative Colitis, you know exactly what a “Colitis Incident” is. I just didn’t know what to call it. It’s when you get that urge to use the bathroom really, really bad. It’s this panicking sensation of you are going to go Number Two whether you’re ready or not. It’s not fun, but over time it gets less embarrassing, mostly because Colitis strips you of any sense of shame you might have had.  It’s a bit graphic, but we’ve all been there.

3. Great America

I’ve never been to Paramount’s Great America amusement park at the time. Colitis and roller coasters mix about as well as rabies and squirrels with little cowboy hats: it might look like fun at first, but at the end no one is laughing. But I went with a buddy of mine to help volunteer for an AIDS Walk that was taking place there, and set-up started while the park was still closed to the public. It was early in the morning and the park was abandoned except for a few volunteers routing supplies through to the main area. Abandoned amusement parks aren’t as creepy as you would think, but then again, it was light out with Spongebob memorabilia everywhere. I was walking around with a friend, admiring all of the closed exhibits and rides, when the urge came. I had no idea where I was in the park or where the nearest restrooms were. Disoriented and convincing myself that all the restrooms were probably locked by Spongebob-shaped padlocks, I resorted to going in some bushes near a basketball game exhibit, well out of the way of passerby’s. That was Colitis’s awesome way of ruining my first trip to Great America. About a year later, when I went back as an actual customer (what, they have a Spongebob Ride, in 3D!), I found the area where I had my emergency trip. It was only then that I saw that the bushes were right next to a hub of multiple security cameras. Reenacting the events in my head like an episode of CSI, I came to the conclusion that my butt cheeks were probably center stage on two of those cameras. I would like to apologize to the security guard who probably came across that thrilling moment.

2. A Valentine’s Day Gift

It was Valentine’s Day and my girlfriend at the time got me a nice gift bag filled with exotic chocolates. She made a card and placed it inside; it was really adorable. It was on the passenger seat of my truck as I was driving home one day when the urge to go hit really hard. For those with Ulcerative Colitis, you know that being in a car while having to go really bad is one of the worst situations you can find yourself in. I managed to find a parking lot, pulled in, and realized there was no way I could dart to anything remotely resembling a bathroom. The problem was there were people in the parking lot, and while I was at the far edge of the lot, I couldn’t risk getting out of my truck. I panicked to see what I had available in the car, and, as fate would have it, a giant gift bag, decorated with red hearts and filled with expensive chocolate, was all I had. Right then and there, in the front seat of my truck, I had to use a Valentine’s Day present as my bathroom. I wasn’t proud of myself as I half squatted over the bag, propping myself up with my legs. In my defense, I managed to save her hand-made card in my frantic scramble. But so much for the chocolate. This proves yet again that Colitis is not the most romantic thing in the world.

1. A Comedy Club on the Sunset Strip in LA

The urge to go came in the middle of what must have been a remarkably hilarious comedian’s routine. The men’s restroom had a urinal and a stall, but for some reason the stall was locked. I knocked, cleared my throat rather loudly, begged, the works, but nothing. Either someone died in there that night or it was out of order. I checked the lady’s room (always an excellent Plan B), but there were a group of girls in there putting on make-up in what seemed to be a giant group effort. I scrambled back to the men’s room and desperately glanced around. Then the epiphany came: I was there, the urinal was there, and heavenly rays of light shown down upon it. Yes, I dropped the trousers and somehow mounted the urinal to go number two. If you’re thinking about the logistics, I didn’t leave a mess. It was liquid and easily flushed away. In the middle of my urinal molestation session, a guy entered the bathroom. We made eye contact as he was half way through the door. I smiled and his eyes darted to the floor. A nice awkward moment of silence later, he casually backed out without a word. I still wonder what the guy thought that night. Oh, in case you were wondering, the sink was too high off of the ground.

What are your most embarrassing UC incidents?

These posts might also help out:

• January 20, 2009 -- On the John: Space Diapers to the Rescue (2)
• January 4, 2009 -- Vintage Toilet Paper Ad (2)
• December 20, 2008 -- On the John: Crapping Robot Toilet Paper Holder (0)
• February 11, 2011 -- Belladonna Wars? (7)

Wearable Toilet: Japanese Invention

Right on the heels of Lizz’s post come these high-tech space diapers: the wearable toilet project.

Engineers all over the world have focused their vast brainpower to overcome one major obstacle—space pooping. The Japanese think they have a solution with their fancy new wearable toilet.

Indeed, this is a far cry from the glorified Depends former NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak drove cross country in a couple of years back. These can detect when you relieve yourself, remove the waste with suction and clean you up after each use. They can even eliminate unpleasant sounds and odors.

Sounds? Odors? I know this is somewhat of a joke, but there were many times when I wished for a good night’s sleep and something like this.

These posts might also help out:

• December 20, 2008 -- On the John: Crapping Robot Toilet Paper Holder (0)
• February 13, 2009 -- Motivational Poop Posters (1)
• January 22, 2009 -- My Top 3 Most Embarrassing Colitis Incidents (7)
• January 4, 2009 -- Vintage Toilet Paper Ad (2)

Vintage "Soft Weve" ad

Here is a little vintage toilet paper advertising for you. The ad reads:

Now at last smart young homemakers can have color in a truly luxurious bathroom tissue. Soft-Weve – softer, nicer kind of tissue – now brings you four gay flower colors…for wonderful “mix or match” color schemes.

Nice, we could call this a little vintage sexism too with making sure those smart young homemakers can have better bathroom presentation. I guess I must not be a “Smart young homemaker” because all ll I know is that I’m glad I can now buy Seventh Generation Toilet Paper which is chlorine free, has no dyes, no chemical scents and is recycled. Although I might be failure at homemaking a pretty bathroom, making sure I keep those nasty chemicals off my heiney and the heineys in my family is very important (hehe).

Vintage ad from: Found in Mom’s Basement

These posts might also help out:

• December 20, 2008 -- On the John: Crapping Robot Toilet Paper Holder (0)
• January 22, 2009 -- My Top 3 Most Embarrassing Colitis Incidents (7)
• January 20, 2009 -- On the John: Space Diapers to the Rescue (2)
• February 11, 2011 -- Belladonna Wars? (7)

This awesome toilet paper holder is written up at boingboing as managing “to signal your literacy, robophilia, and deep commitment to bowel evacuation, all in one simple package.”

[Link]

These posts might also help out:

• January 20, 2009 -- On the John: Space Diapers to the Rescue (2)
• January 4, 2009 -- Vintage Toilet Paper Ad (2)
• February 13, 2009 -- Motivational Poop Posters (1)
• January 22, 2009 -- My Top 3 Most Embarrassing Colitis Incidents (7)