I’m FINALLY home! I had to get readmitted for pain control, you can check out the whole story at my other blog, www.bloodpooptears.wordpress.com. But I wanted to let you all know that I took some pictures, they are kinda graphic as usual. So if you want to check em out…here they are. Surgery # 1.

These posts might also help out:

• April 6, 2009 -- 4 feet less but still the best: My Jpouch Story (12)
• March 27, 2010 -- Colston Thomas Mills (4)
• February 8, 2010 -- A little insight on my insides. (13)
• July 20, 2011 -- 2 Years Post TakeDown (6)

After that the goal was to get me on an effective therapy to get my UC under control. I was and have been on steroids since June of ’09 and have tried Asacol, 6-MP, and Methotrexate. I can’t take any of the biologics because of my MS. My UC has never been in remission since diagnosis and has proceeded to get worse the last few months. My home GI referred me to Cleveland clinic to talk to a specialist who gave me good advice and advised that I should consider surgery. My home GI them told me that the doctor at CC was an idiot and that no surgeon would ever preform surgery on me. Needless to say  I was a bit conflicted.

I met with Dr. Remzi last Monday in regards to surgery against the advice of my home GI. Dr. Remzi was great and urged me to consider surgery. After throwing myself a pity party for a few days, where my only guest was myself…and I didn’t even get cake….I decided he was probably right and I should schedule my surgery. He said most likely he’ll be doing a 3 part surgery over 9 months with my first scheduled for March 25th.

So I’m just at the start of this journey…its going to be a long super sucky one…but I know there are a lot of you out there with me.

oh. Ps. I’ve attached a picture of what I USED to look like…you know before 8+ months of steroids….I hope to revisit this again someday

p.p.s. I make typos a lot. Deal with it.

These posts might also help out:

• April 5, 2010 -- Home from Surgery #1 (1)
• February 13, 2010 -- Take a walk in my shoes (93)
• July 20, 2011 -- 2 Years Post TakeDown (6)
• March 27, 2010 -- Colston Thomas Mills (4)

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Certificate

Everyone’s favorite humor columnist, Dave Barry, has a great piece on Colonoscopies that a co-worker recently dug up and sent to Brevin. Too long to reproduce here, there are some highlights that I’m sure we all can relate to (especially in the case of his hospital descriptions). Since I was in the hospital 47,000 times last year, and I work as a web consultant for that hospital — I have to go to meetings there, too, eek — these are my favorite parts:

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Check out the full article over at the Miami Herald where you can download and print your very own Dave Barry Colonoscopy Certificate (displayed above),  and happy 4th everyone!

These posts might also help out:

• February 8, 2010 -- A little insight on my insides. (13)
• April 5, 2010 -- Home from Surgery #1 (1)
• February 25, 2010 -- Commenter with Questions (13)
• February 13, 2010 -- Take a walk in my shoes (93)

NOT Jamie at all. Boy was I off.

One thing that came up in our conversation was that sometimes patients get rushed into surgery due to their conditions. During these emergencies, you don’t have the luxury of preparing or planning an extended hospital stay. Those lucky enough to plan their surgeries in advance should plan accordingly. I know I am. Here are my Top 4 Things To Do in the Hospital While Recovering:

4. Write a Novel

Many aspiring authors set out to write the Great American Novel. I was born in South Africa, so that gives me a bit more leeway and creative control in my novel. Aside from the obvious fan-fiction (“What’s Chewebacca doing on the Lost island? Let’s find out!“), I’m going to write my Aquaman novel. Yes, that Aquaman. Something about Aquaman is just awesome, and I figure I’ll have a lot of time to just sort of sit there with a laptop and type while recovering. It was originally a toss-up between pulp romantic novels and Aquaman, but as I was writing this I got hungry for fish sticks, so Aquaman won.

3. Fake a British Accent

Please follow along with the thought process here. I was watching Back To The Future (a great documentary about lightning and Deloreans) when Doc Brown mentioned to Marty McFly something about the Florence Nightingale effect, where nurses fall in love with their patients. Hello. If I play my cards right, my hospital stay will be like a mix between the TV shows “Blind Date” and “Grey’s Anatomy”. If romantic comedies teach us anything, it’s that ladies love the British accent. If I fake a British accent during my hospital stay, chances are good I’ll be engaged by the time I’m discharged. This plan only applies to single people.

2. Entertain My Mum

My mum is going to fly out for a few weeks for the first possible surgery. You know how it goes, it’s the Law of the Mom. While I’m sedated and being a bum in the hospital bed, I’ll have to make sure she doesn’t get cabin fever and pass out from boredom. So I’m planning this out now. Bejeweled on the iPhone? Check. Professor Layton and The Curious Village for the Nintendo DS? Check. Three 200 page Sudoku puzzle books? Check. A Starbucks gift card? Check. Library card? Not yet.

1. Write a Eulogy For My Colon

Hopefully in haiku form.

These posts might also help out:

• April 5, 2010 -- Home from Surgery #1 (1)
• February 15, 2010 -- I’m so over this colon. (13)
• February 10, 2010 -- Making Ostomys HOT! (3)
• February 8, 2010 -- A little insight on my insides. (13)

I get the kind of migraines where if you had a spoon handy, you’d dig your eyeballs out just to see if that’d lessen the pressure and pain in  your head. I also get the kind of migraines where you puke your guts out. Well…what’s left of them.

Now, I consider myself to have an impressively high threshold for pain, especially for abdominal pain. I love it when they ask you to “rate” your pain on a scale of 1-10 to determine how bad off you really are. I think…”Hmmm…well, really, I had absolutely nothing better to do at 2am on a Friday night. I got this dull little head ache, and just brought the barf-bag along for shits and giggles.” They were really good though. I have to say this is one of the more efficient ER’s I’ve been in. I got some Phenergan and Imitrex via IV, passed out, and awoke feeling much better.

I’m back home sitting on my couch writing this in my probably barf-covered PJ’s, just glad to have my head out of the toilet. It was somewhat amusing to answer the question, “Do you have diarrhea?” with a “No.” That hasn’t happened for a while!

So, cheers to the J-pouch for hangin’ in there while I was pukin’ everything I put into it back up. (Sorry for confusing you on the food-routing there, buddy!) And thanks to being Crohn-ed and colon-less to getting me an express one-way ticket to the ER bed. Thanks to all the prior hospital visits for the absolute lack of anxiety about the ER, the IV, and thanks for the many prior stick-and-miss, vein rolling experiences for knowing which vein was best for the IV.  I am truly not bitter to have this all down pat. Ironically, that was not sarcasm.  I am just grateful to be able to receive medical care that will relieve my pain, and get me back to the “real” world.

These posts might also help out:

• April 5, 2010 -- Home from Surgery #1 (1)
• April 18, 2009 -- UC v. Crohn’s Questions (4)
• December 29, 2011 -- Loss & Gain (2)
• November 4, 2010 -- Fear Monger, MD (6)

Chocolat (2000)
Dangerous Beauty
The Notebook
Best in Show
Like Water for Chocolate/Como Agua Para Chocolate (1992)
Marie Antoinette (2006)
Moulin Rouge (2001)

As for Mark I know some of his feel good films are:

Office Space
O Brother, Where art thou?
Amelie
Four Rooms
50 First Dates

So, what are your safe feel good movies?

These posts might also help out:

• April 5, 2010 -- Home from Surgery #1 (1)
• February 8, 2010 -- A little insight on my insides. (13)
• July 3, 2009 -- Dave Barry’s Insight into the Colonoscopy (2)
• February 18, 2009 -- Thanks To Jamie And Hospital Recovery Activities (6)