J-pouch Life » humor

“My Hole”

Lizz — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 05:20:10 +0000

So, I went to see funny-lady Margaret Cho tonight. If you know anything about Ms. Cho, you know she does some killer, hilarious impressions of her Korean parents, and that she’s a little raunchy. She spent the better part of the evening talking about “her hole.” Her anus, to be exact. She started the show by telling the crowd how she’d lost her voice, had seen a therapist who told her to drink olive oil. This was causing the interesting side-effect of causing her to poo an “olive oil mist”. There were other “hole” related jokes, which I as a Crohn’s/J-pouch patient always appreciate. Not that we are very shy around here, but I realized that I hadn’t yet told you guys about my most recent physical therapy appointment for my hole. As I mentioned in a previous post, the crap-o-gram I had revealed that my anus (hole) doesn’t open properly when I try to poo. It spasms sometimes, which can be really painful, and my surgeon sent me to a very specialized therapist who deals with pelvic problems. She is the loveliest lady, really. She is professional, funny, and warm, and not at all awkward. You know as a GI patients, we are all used to having people’s fingers up our ass. If it’s not a finger, it’s a scope. So, when this lovely lady suggested that a “hole massage” might help loosen up my tense arse, I agreed. I told her I was basically up for anything to avoid another surgery. So, first, she had me get into child’s pose (all my yogis out there know what I mean) and she massaged my lower back, my buttocks, and, the area around my hole. The left side was tight and painful, and the massage did help some. She suggested going into the “inner sanctum” to see if it was more of an internal thing. It was. My hole spasmed on her hard core. She did some internal massage which was…interesting. I think it helped for a few hours or maybe that whole day. It just always feels like there is a pinch on the left side down there-a tightness that I can’t get to relax no matter how much I try.
Anyway, the adventure continues. As I continue to get my butthole molested, let’s hope I see some progress.
What I won’t do for a good poo…

These posts might also help out:

June 6, 2009 -- Let’s just call it … IBD (8)
May 13, 2009 -- Alternative Therapies for Colitis and Crohn’s? (2)
January 7, 2009 -- UC to J-pouch to Crohn’s (4)
August 8, 2008 -- Mark 9 month Jpouch Update (49)

IBS? Nah: Irritable Vowels!

Eric — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 03:33:42 +0000

Some humor for all of you today. If you can’t laugh because it hurts too much from surgery or a flare – I’ve been there. If you can laugh, good for you! It takes a long time to “get over” the psychological ramifications of having one of the basic human functions completely effed with.

Here you go: Irritable Vowels from the guys behind The Morning News. I love it and I want one. Perhaps jpouch.net should have a contest and give one away? Chime in with your ideas for a contest in the comments.

[link]

These posts might also help out:

November 4, 2010 -- Fear Monger, MD (6)
April 5, 2010 -- Home from Surgery #1 (1)
March 27, 2010 -- Colston Thomas Mills (4)
April 6, 2009 -- 4 feet less but still the best: My Jpouch Story (12)

Motivational Poop Posters

Eric — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 20:11:50 +0000

Wrong on so many levels, but so true, too

I know, I know, sexist, classist, beautist, racist, and all that. Why am I posting it? Because it’s true. We should have a line of posters that we create here at Jpouch.net – they could say things like “rock stars, they get diarrhea too.”

“World Leaders, yes, they get IBD too”

“The janitor at your high school, does he have a colon? does it matter?”

Happy Friday everyone, and thanks for a great week.

Oh, and here is where that poster is from.

These posts might also help out:

September 16, 2009 -- Plaid Pantry Denies Bathroom to Crohn’s Customer (9)
January 20, 2009 -- On the John: Space Diapers to the Rescue (2)
December 20, 2008 -- On the John: Crapping Robot Toilet Paper Holder (0)
February 11, 2011 -- Belladonna Wars? (7)

No Colon Club: Get Well Card

Eric — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 14:08:00 +0000

My Get Well Card

Click on the images to see them at their full resolution. After getting out of the hospital for Step One, my wife’s co-worker gave me this card, which is illustrated by his kids. Everyone was worried I would have a negative reaction, be offended, and all that. I loved it, I laughed and laughed. You have to learn to laugh at yourself with these diseases, that’s for sure.

My Get Well Card (inside)

These posts might also help out:

August 26, 2010 -- “My Hole” (4)
August 17, 2010 -- IBS? Nah: Irritable Vowels! (0)
February 15, 2010 -- I’m so over this colon. (13)
February 10, 2010 -- Making Ostomys HOT! (3)

On the John: Space Diapers to the Rescue

Eric — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 01:41:05 +0000

Wearable Toilet: Japanese Invention

Right on the heels of Lizz’s post come these high-tech space diapers: the wearable toilet project.

Engineers all over the world have focused their vast brainpower to overcome one major obstacle—space pooping. The Japanese think they have a solution with their fancy new wearable toilet.

Indeed, this is a far cry from the glorified Depends former NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak drove cross country in a couple of years back. These can detect when you relieve yourself, remove the waste with suction and clean you up after each use. They can even eliminate unpleasant sounds and odors.

Sounds? Odors? I know this is somewhat of a joke, but there were many times when I wished for a good night’s sleep and something like this.

These posts might also help out:

December 20, 2008 -- On the John: Crapping Robot Toilet Paper Holder (0)
February 13, 2009 -- Motivational Poop Posters (1)
January 22, 2009 -- My Top 3 Most Embarrassing Colitis Incidents (7)
January 4, 2009 -- Vintage Toilet Paper Ad (2)

On the John: Crapping Robot Toilet Paper Holder

Eric — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 03:31:52 +0000

I promise that all of my posts won’t be about the toilet, the bathroom, or a combination thereof. With that in mind, I’ve created a “segment” here at Jpouch Life called “on the john.” Hey, we do spend a lot of time in the bathroom, so why not make the most of it?

This awesome toilet paper holder is written up at boingboing as managing “to signal your literacy, robophilia, and deep commitment to bowel evacuation, all in one simple package.”

[Link]

These posts might also help out:

January 20, 2009 -- On the John: Space Diapers to the Rescue (2)
January 4, 2009 -- Vintage Toilet Paper Ad (2)
February 13, 2009 -- Motivational Poop Posters (1)
January 22, 2009 -- My Top 3 Most Embarrassing Colitis Incidents (7)