“My Hole”

by on Thursday, August 26, 2010 22:20
This entry is filed under: humor

So, I went to see funny-lady Margaret Cho tonight. If you know anything about Ms. Cho, you know she does some killer, hilarious impressions of her Korean parents, and that she’s a little raunchy. She spent the better part of the evening talking about “her hole.” Her anus, to be exact. She started the show by telling the crowd how she’d lost her voice, had seen a therapist who told her to drink olive oil. This was causing the interesting side-effect of causing her to poo an “olive oil mist”. There were other “hole” related jokes, which I as a Crohn’s/J-pouch patient always appreciate. Not that we are very shy around here, but I realized that I hadn’t yet told you guys about my most recent physical therapy appointment for my hole. As I mentioned in a previous post, the crap-o-gram I had revealed that my anus (hole) doesn’t open properly when I try to poo. It spasms sometimes, which can be really painful, and my surgeon sent me to a very specialized therapist who deals with pelvic problems. She is the loveliest lady, really. She is professional, funny, and warm, and not at all awkward. You know as a GI patients, we are all used to having people’s fingers up our ass. If it’s not a finger, it’s a scope. So, when this lovely lady suggested that a “hole massage” might help loosen up my tense arse, I agreed. I told her I was basically up for anything to avoid another surgery. So, first, she had me get into child’s pose (all my yogis out there know what I mean) and she massaged my lower back, my buttocks, and, the area around my hole. The left side was tight and painful, and the massage did help some. She suggested going into the “inner sanctum” to see if it was more of an internal thing. It was. My hole spasmed on her hard core. She did some internal massage which was…interesting. I think it helped for a few hours or maybe that whole day. It just always feels like there is a pinch on the left side down there-a tightness that I can’t get to relax no matter how much I try.
Anyway, the adventure continues. As I continue to get my butthole molested, let’s hope I see some progress.
What I won’t do for a good poo…

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8 Responses to ““My Hole””

  1. avatar

    Brenda says:

    September 6th, 2010 at 3:56 pm


    I understand you have crohns and had j pouch surgery. My son has crohns and is considering the surgery. I must say I am not too happy about it. It scares me so much! Please share what you know with me. I want to support him, but am not sure if this is the way to go since it is crohns. Thanks so much!



  2. avatar

    Lizz says:

    September 7th, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    You are correct. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s about 9 mo. after my last Jpouch surgery.
    You will be hard-pressed to find a surgeon to do a J-pouch on a patient that knowingly has Crohn’s. If you click on my name, you can read through some of my older blog entries which will basically just show you how up and down it is life with a Jpouch and Crohn’s is. In most ways, I am a lot better than I was pre-surgery. Basically, my colon had to come out because all I ever did was poop blood. I could barely walk, eat, I couldn’t take care of myself. So, I saw such a drastic improvement having my colon removed. If I just stuck with the ileostomy would I have had all these other complications and slew of surgeries? Probably not, but I’m not sure I can blame the J-pouch twisting on Crohn’s (that’s just freaky bad luck). Strictures…maybe, blockage, maybe. Some people do really well with the Jpouch, but it is a tough surgery under the best circumstances, and as you probably already know, the theory is that it is best to avoid surgery if you have CD for as long as possible for fear that the disease will activate above, in an area previously unaffected. For instance, I never had inflammation in my small intestine (that any test found) until I had the Jpouch surgery and had my colon removed. I guess my best advice is that the ileostomy bag isn’t as horrible or as scary as one thinks. It wasn’t fun, per se, or “ideal”, but crapping on myself when I squat down to put my leash on my mini weiner dog (long way down) isn’t that fun either. Sure I may look better in a bikini, but there’s a good chance I have a really thick pad on in case I have “an accident.”
    In the next few years, maybe sooner, barring any miracles, new treatments or drugs, if this current physical therapy doesn’t seriously help my Jpouch function, I’m probably just going to get rid of the Jpouch and go back to the crap-bag. Of course, I am older now and married which does make a difference. I’m also not as stubborn as I used to be. I see people on these boards that say there is “NO WAY” they will ever go back to the bag. I used to be one, but now I just think that’s pretty immature, because if it made me feel better, I’d get another nose sewn on my face, know what I mean? Being able to maybe have more consistency in my life, not poop myself, and possibly not have pain and fatigue might be worth the chance of just getting the bag back. In hindsight, I honestly can’t tell you if I could do it all over again, if I’d just sick with the ileostomy. I think I might have avoided a load of complications if I had done that, but as a young person, it is very hard to deal with being sick on top of having to deal with the bag. It’s an image thing…That said, I had one for 8 mo. between my surgeries, and no one could ever tell-I wore cute clothes, went to the pool, went to college, etc. I had a boyfriend who I wasn’t really crazy about during the first surgery and he could have cared less about the bag. I didn’t date anyone after him because I was a wuss and was honestly too busy having surgery and recovering to date. I met my husband shortly after the Jpouch surgeries and he was so wonderful and supportive though the later surgeries, but the disease and me feeling like crap and not being able to work is a big burden on our life. I guess after everything I’ve been through the bag just doesn’t seem like a big deal to me anymore. If it would mean me feeling better, that’s better than any vanity the J-pouch allowed me. My best advice is to meet with several experts (surgeons and GI’s) and get their opinion. Also, this surgery is revered as the “cure” for UC, just because it gets the instrument of the disease out of the way (not the auto-immune part, just the part it attacks), but it’s not going to cure Crohn’s…I would urge your son to try to look at the big picture and weigh what’s most important to him. The goal is to feel better and have a better quality of life. Sometimes feeling and looking like a normal person is more important. It’s just such a frustrating disease and it can make you feel really helpless. What meds is he on?


  3. avatar

    brenda says:

    September 11th, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Lizz, Thanks for replying. My son is 22 and has suffered from crohns since he was 10. He has been on every medication there is. For some reason his body does not respond to the meds except of course Prednisone, the evil drug. But lately that hasn’t really been working that well. He had surgery last year in September to remove the diseased part of the colon and now has a colostomy. His disease is in his large colon and rectum. He has been in and out of the hospital since April due to recurrence of Crohns near the stoma sight involving about 10 inches of his large colon. His local surgeon seems to think he is a good candidate for the J-pouch and referred him to Dr. Strong at the Cleveland Clinic. He saw Dr Strong about two weeks ago and he too agrees that he is a good candidate for the surgery. If it was UC maybe I would agree, but I am just so unsure with it being Crohns. My heart breaks for all of you suffering with these diseases. He is currently taking Imuran along with Humira which seems to be doing something. Still having frequent bowel movements with lots of blood, but not as much pain. He seems determined that the surgery is the answer.



    Lizz Reply:

    Has he ever tried Entocort for a steroid option? Soooo much better than Prednisone. Although I think it just releases in the small intestine, so that might not help, but perhaps worth asking about.


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