Crap-o-Gram, Part Deux

by on Tuesday, May 11, 2010 9:45
This entry is filed under: Coping/Support

First off, let me congratulate myself on the witty title I concocted while lying on a stretcher with a catheter rushing contrast dye into my vag. That takes mad humor-under-pressure skillz. Way to go, Liz!
So, maybe I should have called it “Return from the Crap-o-Gram”, because that’s what I’ve just done. For all of you crap-o-gram virgins, let me fill you in.
The test I had done isn’t actually called a crap-o-gram. In fancy doctor speak it is a defecating pouchogram. Sounds just as made-up, doesn’t it? Anyway, here’s the poop scoop:

Step 1: Sweet Korean nurse comes out to the waiting room to fetch you and hands you some paper work and two plastic bottles of barium. (You are kidding me, I have to drink MORE of this crap?!)Step 2: You drink the nasty barium, sweet Korean nurse lady brings you a warm blanket and fashion magazines.
Step 3: You walk up and down the halls while drinking a cup of water to help move the barium pouch-ward.
Step 4: Sweet Korean nurse lady shows you the ropes. Pretty fascinating and creative use of an x-ray room, I’ll give them that. So here’s the way the actual test goes:

After you drink the barium (just as disgusting as ever) you get your guts x-rayed to be sure everything is moving south. After this is confirmed, you move back to the crap-o-gram room to await more prodding.  Your fun and comforting fashion magazines are removed and you lie on the stretcher, knees facing east and west, while sweet Korean nurse lady inserts a catheter into your vag (actually bladder, but vag is more vulgar and therefore, more fun for me to say). She drains out the urine and fills-her-up with the contrast dye all the while making the need to urinate more and more urgent. After realizing with sheer amazement that this woman is doing her job with such grace and kindness, your vag is stretched to the limit as a very LARGE syringe of vag barium is pumped into your lady parts. Next, sweet Korean nurse lady gets the radiologist doc and more invasive barium insertion ensues. Doc tells you what’s gonna happen then lies you on your left side while she pumps three LARGE syringes of barium ass-ward. You are disconnected from the vag-dye bag and you trot on over to the x-ray potty. Now this, ladies and gents, is an invention for the ages. They made a crapper that fits neatly between an x-ray machine so you can watch yourself crap on TV as you go. They really took the TV in the bathroom thing to the next level. So, first, you get up on the “potty chair” feeling a little queenly as you are elevated above your loyal subjects. First, you relax, and realize that some barium is leaking out into your potty chair poo collection bag.  No worries, it’s gonna come out in a bit!  Next you “clinch” like you are trying your damndest NOT to crap. This is the move with which I am most well-acquainted. Next, you PUSH. “Really go for it,” the doctor said. As I was “goin for it” I noticed on the screen that the barium started to come out of the top of my pouch, and at the bottom, but that there was a large bit in the middle that wasn’t budging. This might be part of my emptying problem. Kind of neat to see, really. I wonder if I could get an x-ray potty chair installed in our apartment. Wedding gift idea, anyone?
Oh yeah, so Rob and I are getting hitched’ in less than a month, and I hope I can avoid another barium cocktail/ass exam before then. If I never see another bottle of barium, it will be too soon.
I’m feeling better after a shower and some Chocolate Cheerios, but I will tell you that I have never wanted a pressure washer for my nether regions more in my life.

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2 Responses to “Crap-o-Gram, Part Deux”

  1. avatar

    Brevin says:

    May 11th, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    Chocolate Cheerios??!! That doesn’t exist does it??

    See how it’s hard to focus while hungry?


  2. avatar

    Brigitte K. Lale says:

    October 4th, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    It’s nearly impossible to find well-informed people in this particular
    topic, however, you seem like you know what you’re talking about!


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