The Waiting Game vs Optimism

by on Friday, February 6, 2009 22:28
This entry is filed under: Coping/Support

Fellow JPouch.net contributor Jamie gave me the head’s up that sometimes the referrals take a while. No kidding. I just got my UCSF consultation scheduled today and it’s on March 23rd. I obviously didn’t take Calculus in college, but March 23rd is what, 40 years away? That’s a long time to wait, and, in all honesty, I was a bit bummed by this date. I want to get better sooner rather than later. I’m done hanging out with colitis. At this rate, I won’t have a possible shot at a j-pouch until the next Olympics (this excitement for a j-pouch might seem like a contradiction to a month ago when I wasn’t even sure of going through with surgery, but I call it “personal growth” with a dash of “desperation”). Anybody who’s ever been hungry and showed up at a Red Lobster on Friday night knows that waiting sucks. But then I see all of the optimistic posts on this site and think hey, now is a wonderful opportunity to tap into that Mountain Dew- and “Lost”-fueled Optimism Reservoir I have stored away. Optimism, Engage!
Ulcerative Colitis has… some… benefits. I’m scraping the barrel, but here are the

Top Four Perks to Having UC:

4. Become Good At Counting

Taking multiple pills, tablets, and other forms of medicine a day increases your counting skills. You can count out 12 tablets of Asacol by merely glancing at the amount of tablets in your hand. Speed counting will impress your friends, so at the next party, score some points with that cute brunette by counting everything in her purse with a single glance.

3. Can’t Take Blame For A Stinky

With UC, I can’t pass gas. I guess I technically can, but you never know when it’s going to lead to an accident. Why risk accidents? So whenever someone cries “Who farted?!”, you have a rock solid alibi. Rock solid.

2. Single Handedly Keeping the Toilet Paper Business Afloat.

You’re welcome.

1. Be More Like My Hero: Batman

Batman, lone protector of Gotham City, mysterious vigilante, Ulcerative Colitis patient. I think it’s absolutely thrilling to have such an awesome role model in the UC community. I don’t know how much proof you want, but consider this: Ever see in the movies or cartoons how Commissioner Gordon is talking to Batman, then mid-way through Gordon’s sentence he turns to face the Batman, but Batman is already gone? How he always has this habit of silently taking off while people are still talking to him? It’s because Batman runs off to the bathroom. Case closed.

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6 Responses to “The Waiting Game vs Optimism”

  1. avatar

    WholeHeartAndSoul says:

    February 7th, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I laughed out loud when I read the one about not taking blame for a stinky! I’ve told my whole family – “Hey, you KNOW it wasn’t me!” How true, how true! I hope that time speeds by for you as you wait for your surgery. God speed!! Abby

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  2. avatar

    Lizz says:

    February 7th, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    You are a riot. And yes, when you’ve made that decision, waiting suckkkksssss. You will feel a lot better when you get that (completely unnecessary) colon out of your body. Then, you will understand this J-pouch superiority complex the rest of us have.
    And good call on the TP. I don’t know why I haven’t bought stock in Charmin yet.
    I’m off to call my broker.

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  3. avatar

    Renaye Ottman says:

    February 8th, 2009 at 8:11 am

    Thanks for the humor! I found it quite funny! I have to laugh at myself sometimes to make it through this. I’m waiting for my surgery too. Mines on March 5th and I can’t wait! I’m hoping it will be a dream come true! I’m tired of the accidents and prednisone and pain! I Best of luck!

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  4. avatar

    Brevin says:

    February 8th, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    I’m currently doodling pictures on a napkin of a life size cooler box filled with those “blue gel” ice packs. I can freeze myself until mid-March. Waiting doesn’t suck if you’re ghetto-cryogenically-frozen. What could possible go wrong with this genius plan?

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  5. avatar

    Brevin says:

    February 9th, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    Optimism Update!
    Waiting for surgery turns out to be a good thing. It means I’m stable enough that I don’t have to be rushed in. I’m not in a severe enough condition that the doctors freaked out reading my files, meaning Crap Hasn’t Hit the Fan!!!

    Yet.

    *high-fives all around*

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  6. avatar

    Corey says:

    February 17th, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Hilarious! I am new to the site and came across your post on the front page, thanks for the laugh. I think I will sign up and get to know you all, as I may soon be getting the J-Pouch operation.

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