My Top 3 Most Embarrassing Colitis Incidents

by on Thursday, January 22, 2009 20:54
This entry is filed under: Ulcerative Colitis
Brevin - by the glow of computer light

Brevin - by the glow of computer light

I just had a colonoscopy (explained by Mayo Clinic). While in the waiting room I thought of my UC in general and came up with this list. If you have Ulcerative Colitis, you know exactly what a “Colitis Incident” is. I just didn’t know what to call it. It’s when you get that urge to use the bathroom really, really bad. It’s this panicking sensation of you are going to go Number Two whether you’re ready or not. It’s not fun, but over time it gets less embarrassing, mostly because Colitis strips you of any sense of shame you might have had.  It’s a bit graphic, but we’ve all been there.

3. Great America

I’ve never been to Paramount’s Great America amusement park at the time. Colitis and roller coasters mix about as well as rabies and squirrels with little cowboy hats: it might look like fun at first, but at the end no one is laughing. But I went with a buddy of mine to help volunteer for an AIDS Walk that was taking place there, and set-up started while the park was still closed to the public. It was early in the morning and the park was abandoned except for a few volunteers routing supplies through to the main area. Abandoned amusement parks aren’t as creepy as you would think, but then again, it was light out with Spongebob memorabilia everywhere. I was walking around with a friend, admiring all of the closed exhibits and rides, when the urge came. I had no idea where I was in the park or where the nearest restrooms were. Disoriented and convincing myself that all the restrooms were probably locked by Spongebob-shaped padlocks, I resorted to going in some bushes near a basketball game exhibit, well out of the way of passerby’s. That was Colitis’s awesome way of ruining my first trip to Great America. About a year later, when I went back as an actual customer (what, they have a Spongebob Ride, in 3D!), I found the area where I had my emergency trip. It was only then that I saw that the bushes were right next to a hub of multiple security cameras. Reenacting the events in my head like an episode of CSI, I came to the conclusion that my butt cheeks were probably center stage on two of those cameras. I would like to apologize to the security guard who probably came across that thrilling moment.

2. A Valentine’s Day Gift

It was Valentine’s Day and my girlfriend at the time got me a nice gift bag filled with exotic chocolates. She made a card and placed it inside; it was really adorable. It was on the passenger seat of my truck as I was driving home one day when the urge to go hit really hard. For those with Ulcerative Colitis, you know that being in a car while having to go really bad is one of the worst situations you can find yourself in. I managed to find a parking lot, pulled in, and realized there was no way I could dart to anything remotely resembling a bathroom. The problem was there were people in the parking lot, and while I was at the far edge of the lot, I couldn’t risk getting out of my truck. I panicked to see what I had available in the car, and, as fate would have it, a giant gift bag, decorated with red hearts and filled with expensive chocolate, was all I had. Right then and there, in the front seat of my truck, I had to use a Valentine’s Day present as my bathroom. I wasn’t proud of myself as I half squatted over the bag, propping myself up with my legs. In my defense, I managed to save her hand-made card in my frantic scramble. But so much for the chocolate. This proves yet again that Colitis is not the most romantic thing in the world.

1. A Comedy Club on the Sunset Strip in LA

The urge to go came in the middle of what must have been a remarkably hilarious comedian’s routine. The men’s restroom had a urinal and a stall, but for some reason the stall was locked. I knocked, cleared my throat rather loudly, begged, the works, but nothing. Either someone died in there that night or it was out of order. I checked the lady’s room (always an excellent Plan B), but there were a group of girls in there putting on make-up in what seemed to be a giant group effort. I scrambled back to the men’s room and desperately glanced around. Then the epiphany came: I was there, the urinal was there, and heavenly rays of light shown down upon it. Yes, I dropped the trousers and somehow mounted the urinal to go number two. If you’re thinking about the logistics, I didn’t leave a mess. It was liquid and easily flushed away. In the middle of my urinal molestation session, a guy entered the bathroom. We made eye contact as he was half way through the door. I smiled and his eyes darted to the floor. A nice awkward moment of silence later, he casually backed out without a word. I still wonder what the guy thought that night. Oh, in case you were wondering, the sink was too high off of the ground.

What are your most embarrassing UC incidents?

These posts might also help out:

You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

12 Responses to “My Top 3 Most Embarrassing Colitis Incidents”

  1. avatar

    ShalenesUC says:

    January 23rd, 2009 at 11:44 am

    My most embarassing UC moment that comes to mind is the time I needed to go at Wal-Mart. It was the weekend before Christmas (last year) and I had to pick up some last minute stuff (like stupid gift bag paper and the like). Well, I felt a grumbling in my tummy, which signaled that I needed to be on a toilet in five seconds flat or else. So I ran to the bathroom. Guess what? Wal-mart is packed because it’s the weekend before Chrismas, therefore, the women’s bathroom is loaded. There’s a line. I asked the woman in front of me, “Are you in line?!” She nodded. I hunched over from the all too recognizable painful feeling in my gut. “Oh no.” I whispered. The lady in front of me must have understood the pain on my face because she immediately said, “You can go before me.” I weakly looked up and said, “I don’t think I can hold it.” I was on the verge of tears. Right at that moment, one of the stalls opened and a teenage girl walked out. Dodging past the other woman, I threw myself into the stall. This was the most embarassing part…the noises. I bet after the bathroom bomb went off, that lady was glad she let me go first. Sorry if too much info, lol.

    [Reply]

  2. avatar

    Brevin says:

    January 23rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    Hey, at least you made it :)
    UC Tip #264: To try to distract from the noises, flush the toilet periodically. It’s a loud enough sound to mask some of the noise.

    [Reply]

  3. avatar

    Liz says:

    January 28th, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Genius. Pure genius. “Heavenly rays of light shown down upon it”…”Urinal molestation.” Good shit. Goooood shit.

    [Reply]

  4. avatar

    Helena says:

    March 14th, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    The most embarassing thign tht had ever happened to me with the illestomy was when my boy friend was over and although he knew aobut the j pouch i was still very conscious and uncomfortable. One day while he was kissing me he avccidnelty pressed up against me too hard and my j pouch completly ripped off and all the “feces” got all over his left sleeve:| it swas probably the most mortifying thing that has ever happended to me but he is a really great guy and made a joke of it and told me it was no big deal and tht he loved me. To this day i will never forget when that happened.

    [Reply]

    avatar

    Brevin Reply:

    *giggle*
    I can’t wait for the day that this shows up in a romantic comedy.

    [Reply]

  5. avatar

    lafem says:

    April 29th, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    There is NOTHING embarrassing about an extremely serious disease, where there is absolutley massive life threatining blood clot type blood loss fever, weakness and massive pain.

    Super ulcerated and inflamed intestines are NOT embbarrasing at all .

    You are confusing IBD with IBS which is ENTIRELY and COMPLETELY something DIFFERENT .

    [Reply]

    avatar

    Brevin Reply:

    Hi Lafem!
    This post is intended to be a light-hearted look at situations related to people affected with Crohns or Ulcerative Colitis. If I share my experiences, others will share theirs and readers might appreciate the humor in this. You’re right, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about at all. But sometimes people need silly little reminders that everything is going to be ok. We’re supporting each other here :)

    [Reply]

  6. avatar

    lisa says:

    January 3rd, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    in a trash can in a dressing room, out of my car in snow hanging onto steering wheel, in my pants numerous times, probably more…

    [Reply]

    avatar

    Brevin Reply:

    The snow one is pretty epic, since you used a steering wheel for support.

    [Reply]

  7. avatar

    John W says:

    January 24th, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    I had an ostomy bag explosion at my workdesk and ran awkwardly to the office bathrooms. Once I had regained control over my mess, I had to call out from the stall to get help as my ’emergency poop pants’ were back at my desk (rookie mistake). I was calling out sheepishly for a while and the only person who heard me was the IT guy. Normally he’s yelling at me for using up company bandwidth while streaming music from the internet. This time he was more polite (albeit horrified) and we’ve had a much more flexible IT arrangement since!

    [Reply]

  8. avatar

    John W says:

    January 24th, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Also – after my j-pouch surgery I went hunting with my buddies in Wisconsin. Big tip – I took along a gallon bucket with a sealable lid. That way I could poop 20 feet up in the air in my tree-stand and not scare away the natives! My buddies thought it was hilarious but I wasn’t going to let my GI tract slow me down!

    [Reply]

  9. avatar

    Brevin says:

    January 24th, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    John I think you just won the internet.

    [Reply]

Leave a Reply